Have you ever felt like nobody was there?
Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere?
Have you ever felt like you could disappear?
Like you could fall, and no one would hear?

Well, let that lonely feeling wash away
Maybe there’s a reason to believe you’ll be okay
‘Cause when you don’t feel strong enough to stand
You can reach, reach out your hand

And oh, someone will come running
And I know, they’ll take you home

Out of the shadows
The morning is breaking
And all is new, all is new
It’s filling up the empty
And suddenly I see that
All is new, all is new
You are not alone

So when the sun comes streaming in
‘Cause you’ll reach up and you’ll rise again
If you only look around
You will be found
Even when the dark comes crashin’ through
When you need someone to carry you
You will be found

You will be found

– Justin Paul, Benj Pasek, Dear Evan Hansen, “You Will Be Found”

This song broke me open last weekend.

I was feeling good, and celebrating a month with no migraine.  After two years of this journey with intense mold toxicity symptoms, I could truly feel,
I am healing.

I felt progress.

So, when I got in my car to go grocery shopping, I decided to play something besides my normal calming music that has been a lifeline while my body has been so sensitive.

I picked an album that always lifts me, Dear Evan Hansen Broadway soundtrack.

It feels like a life time ago seeing this show on Broadway.  I soaked up every last minutes in a packed theater and immediately downloaded the album.  The music felt GOOD in my body, the lights felt GOOD in my body.  I was so inspired!

But I haven’t been to the theater since the summer of 2019 because my body just couldn’t handle it anymore.

And then everything shut down.

I wept during the Thanksgiving parade last November to see performers out in the streets singing live again.  And it wasn’t just because of how much I love theater, it was a sparkle of hope….a sign of progress. Something I have been so hungry for in my health.

So, as I hit play on the Dear Evan Hansen soundtrack in my driveway, I decided to listen to the whole album, instead of just playing the songs I knew best.

And the tears started to flow.
There was a recognition in my body, a remembrance of my strength.
I started to sing along and it felt GOOD.

I fell in love with the story all over again, but most of all, I felt like I was connecting with something that had been dormant for a long time.

My deep love of musicals.

How I use to FEED this love!  Having a career for 20 years on stages and singing from my gut, and going to see the latest shows and sitting so enraptured in the audience, it was my whole world. I couldn’t imagine NOT being able to enjoy it.

And yet, when my body became so sensitive to lights and sound, I had to turn to different nourishment.  The soaring notes and strong storytelling was too much, so I had to shift and place this love aside.

It was devastating.

And some days I wondered, will I ever be able to enjoy these strong anthems again?

I stopped singing. I covered my ears and held my head when the pain overwhelmed me.  I felt like a part of me was dying.

But as I drove and sang along to the album, I realized,
It’s still there.
It’s still inside me.
It never left.

It just took a break.

What a relief….

I wept tears of gratitude, feeling like I was rediscovering a part of me that had been asleep.

And then I thought of you.

I thought of all you have been through this last year.
I thought of how isolating and scary it has been.
And I thought of your dreams, and the devastation and heartbreak you must be feeling.

And I thought of what you love. What feeds and nourishes you…
I thought of what matters most to you.  Your precious work, your unique voice, and your big heart.

And I wanted to acknowledge if you have had to put things aside to heal during this tumultuous time, and perhaps you may have wondered if you had the confidence to rise again.

But looking at you, I see your immense power that is lying within.  Despite the devastation, I see your light and wonder,
Do you know how amazing you are?

This soundtrack reminded me in a moment that I was not alone.  It helped me to celebrate that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and remind me, that I will be found.

As will you.

You WILL rise again, and the morning is breaking.
The seasons are changing and I wanted to reach out my hand to you today to let you know, you are not alone.

Inside you is a magnificent field, open and fertile. And you can access this field at any moment. This is where your Unstoppable Confidence lies.

I wanted to remind you today, to bring you back home to your inner strength.

Take a moment.  Place your hand on your heart or your belly and just FEEL.
The rise and fall of your breath, the beating of your heart. You are alive. Feel your feet on the ground and imagine the energy of the earth rising through your legs to fill your whole being.

So, I’m singing this song to you.
This is a new day, one you have never lived before.

It’s your time to rise. Reach up, I’ve got you.

All is new.
All is new.

We do this together.

©2019 NikolRogers | Design by Rachel Pesso | Caitlin Cannon Photography