Are you wondering when this is going to end?
Are you seeking a ray of hope during these crazy times?

Indeed, I keep hearing timelines being pushed out, and each time my eyes widen, feeling the anxiety of the situation. 

Can we return to some sort of stability?
Come out of our homes?
See our friends and family again and truly touch, hold, and physically cherish them without fear?

Are you feeling any of this?

While I have watched all of you move with beautiful innovation and action towards connecting with your audience online, there is that feeling of loss…the feeling of just BEING with each other in person.

Especially if your work is based around interacting WITH your audience in person, I imagine this has been disorienting.

And I get it.  Deeply.

What do you we do when something that used to be a source of joy and connection is now considered harmful?

Being around each other used to fill your heart, and now it could mean sickness and in extreme instances, someone’s death.

How do we take care of ourselves during this time?

Last year when I started to get debilitating migraines, there was an element that really unnerved me.

Extreme sensitivity to light.

The migraines began in the summer, and at a time when the sun is usually a place of delight, I found myself avoiding it a lot.

And it wasn’t just the sun, it was all lights.  When the migraine would hit, I would need to turn off as many lights as possible.  Many nights, I made dinner with very low lighting and then my husband and I would have our dinner in the dark.

I used to light a candle for our dinner every night, because I found it so romantic and comforting, but now the flame seemed to sear through my eyeball and just create pain.

It was devastating.

And I didn’t yet know what was causing them, so I was really scared and disoriented. 

I found I couldn’t wear my contacts, because they hurt my eyes, and switched to wearing glasses all the time. Driving became a big challenge because the lights were so glaring, so I started wearing sunglasses.  That was actually even more of a challenge, because then I couldn’t see very well, and in November I was actually in a car accident.

I felt like I couldn’t win.

My eyes had become so sensitive.
I missed being able to handle lights, being able to be in public places, restaurants, or even watch movies. 

And while I was working with my doctors to understand what was happening with my body, I kept having the question in my mind,
When will this end?
Will I ever have my sight fully back again?

Over the summer, when I was on my knees looking for answers, I started to practice Qi Gong for the first time in my life.  I was doing this practice called the Five Elements, and the first element was Happiness.

As I was using specified movements to bring in Happiness energy to my body, my teacher was saying,
Think of anything that makes you happy, anything that puts a smile on your face!
Maybe you felt the sun shining on your face today, and that made you SO HAPPY!

For months, this was so hard to hear.
The sun did used to make me happy.

Now, it was just a source of pain.
For days…for months….

And I longed for that moment to feel it on my face and it actually BRING happiness again.

Can you relate?

This week I’ve been quarantining myself at home, and Spring has truly sprung.  Looking at my backyard has become a deep gift.

Taking in the life around me has been so comforting. 

Seeing the flowers bloom.
Watching the squirrels zip and zoom about the yard.
Seeing the red bellied woodpecker enthusiastically enjoy the suet.

And the week started with some very strong storms.  We had intense winds, rain, and lower temperatures.

But then the storm cleared, and the river calmed.

I opened the sliding glass door and walked outside with my chair, and turned my face to the sun.

And it felt GOOD.
It felt AMAZING actually.

After all these months, there was this return.

After the storm of symptoms, after the storm of fear, after the storm of doubt, anger, and extreme grief…..

I could wear contacts again.
I stopped needing sunglasses to drive at night.
I even started to light candles in the home again.

Staring at the flame, I was amazed.

Because, really the sun hadn’t changed.
The flame hadn’t changed.

It was me.

My biggest fear was that it would last forever, but that was all up to me, and I was forgetting the greatest truth,
Everything changes.

Change is constant.

And while the months of eye sensitivity were heartbreaking, I stayed on course to do all I needed to do to heal.

My intention and action was on advocating FOR my health.
Advocating FOR my life.

And it wasn’t easy, but I had support. I had help. I had loving people around me who held me as I wept, and grieved, and reminded me to be gentle with myself when I beat myself up and was so angry my eyes hurt AGAIN.

And deep down, I knew it WOULD change, I just needed to let go of the timeline and instead stay connected to the PROCESS.

The process of what will heal me, bring back my sight, and allow my body to relax so it wasn’t so much on edge and needing to guard itself.

When I went through my divorce, the biggest teaching I learned that gave me hope WAS,
Nothing is permanent.

If that was the case, I knew my pain would transform.
My life would change.
My heart would heal.

And it did.

Much like my eyes.

The world is upside down right now.  We are in the midst of a storm we haven’t seen in our lifetimes.  Our ancestors are probably smiling as they went through their own “pandemic of fear”, but for our lifetime, this is our biggest storm.  And we are all feeling it collectively.

And I imagine it’s been painful for you.
I imagine you want it to end yesterday.

But what if you aren’t stuck in something, but actually in a process of healing?
What if we all are?

So, while we can’t hug in person right now, place your attention on what you most NEED right now.
What is your tender heart calling for?

Because it is moments like this that bring out our greatest strength,
our courage
our resiliency
our faith

And truly looking at what and who we TRUST in our lives.

Out of this, you will be able to turn your face to the sun again and feel it’s joy.
After the storm.

And perhaps, even IN it.

The tools I have learned during this healing journey have opened me to a deeper belief in my ability to face adversity.

And you have this too.
You have everything you need inside you.

So, for now, from my house to yours, I’m wishing you well.

This too shall pass, and who you are on the other side is created NOW.  It’s created in the choices you make now FOR your well being and for your life.

Who you are in your greatest power.
Tap in during this storm.

And know the calm will come.

In fact, it’s already there within you, waiting to hold you with care.

©2019 NikolRogers | Design by Rachel Pesso | Caitlin Cannon Photography