Have you ever had a horrible performance and just wanted to hide?
Have you ever gone out on a limb with your work and had it completely rejected?
It can feel awful, right?
Maybe you spent a lot of time on your art, and were SO excited to share it with your audience, only to either hear crickets, or even worse, be shredded in criticism.
From the criticism comes a flooding of doubt, and I imagine you feel like your confidence is nonexistent.
As you are working on your next project or performance, you can feel that voice coming up saying,
I don’t know what I’m doing
They’re just going to hate it…
And you begin to question everything you’re doing, and your creative process goes from a place of joy to one filled with stress and anxiety.
You may even stop your work, paralyzed in place for fear of being booed, judged, and rejected,
How do you get past this block?
How do you regain confidence and feel amazing again?
This past weekend I went for marriage counseling with my fiance up at Zen Mountain Monastery. We met with the Abbott, Shugen, who has been a guiding light for me since my divorce.
To have counseling, we had to meet in the Abbott’s room, and as I walked in, a huge realization came over me.
I had only been in this room once before, and it was five years ago.
When I walked into this room five years ago, it was to have my first ever face to face teaching with a Zen teacher. I was participating in the Intro to Zen Training weekend, and my heart was in my throat. I was barely able to choke out my burning question of ‘how do I let go??’…..I wept that whole weekend and I was coming to grips with losing my home, marriage, and possible motherhood.
I felt shaky, unsure, and fragile. I was dealing with the largest rejection of my life.….hearing I was no longer loved or wanted.
Now I was walking in hand in hand with my fiance, planning my actual ceremony in this Monastery.
I could barely conceive this was possible five years ago. I though the rejection would destroy me. And the whole energy of the room was different for me. There was more space, the room felt larger, and I felt so at ease.
Space and ease.
Maybe it wasn’t the room.
So, how do you find this in those heartbreaking moments of rejection?
How do you return to the same “room” and have different results?
As I sat in the chair facing Shugen, and looking at my life partner, one word came into my head,
Change is constant.
When I was facing the most devastating rejection of my life, this was my mantra. I learned I had been wrong for years…I thought things would always be the same. I thought things were permanent….like my marriage, my home, and my performance fears.
I thought I would always suffer in the same places, choke on the big auditions, and not get picked for the roles I really wanted.
And yet…..I watched it all change.
My marriage I thought I would have forever….end.
My apartment I thought I would have children in…be sold and bought by a new couple.
And as I accepted this change, I found it freed me to take larger risks in my art, and a thought occurred…
What if I DID get picked for the roles I wanted?
What if I could give my best performance regardless of outside pressure?
What IF I could return to audition rooms and stages where I had been rejected before and now shine?
At first it was a sliver of an opening….a simple energy I took into my performance, and with each new song and dance, I would try it out….one day at a time.
And then I watched my whole performance career return, and directors and choreographers offering jobs and roles I was excited about!
I went in for a big Broadway audition where the pianist played the music horribly….and I wasn’t phased. This was a HUGE difference from before when I would have been derailed and left feeling dejected.
So, when was the last time you felt criticized and rejected in your Art?
Take a moment and allow yourself to feel the disappointment.
Close your eyes, and place your hand on your heart or belly.
Connect to your breath, and allow the feeling to rise, and then fall.
So often, the strong emotion just wants to be acknowledged. Often times, once we accept it and offer love, the feeling disappears.
Change. It’s there and then it’s gone.
Turns out, it’s not permanent. It doesn’t last.
If this can happen with a feeling, it can happen in your Art.
It can happen in your performance, and how you are received by your audience. That criticism can change and WILL change when you return again and again with the intention of making great work.
You are becoming and changing in every moment, and what a miracle!
You feeling stuck is only a bump in the road.
Come back to your inspiration and your vision of what you want to SAY as an Artist.
Same room…..filled with space and ease.
Photography: Caitlin Cannon Photography