Are you wondering if you are headed in the right direction?

Have you been feeling like you are lost at sea?

This has been such a disorienting time, and the dreams and plans we had with the excitement of the ball dropping back in January may feel so far away.

With global loss and a situation that is constantly changing, we can feel rudderless, and our dreams may even feel out of our grasp.

Have you been questioning if your dreams are even possible any more?

How do we know we are taking the right steps when everything is shifting around us?

It would be SO nice to have a guiding light….one we could rely on and trust.

Stars are the perfect combination of magical and mysterious. Shining in the night sky, they enchant us with their presence, reminding us that we are but a tiny piece of the vast universe. The North Star, formally known as “Polaris,” has served as a beacon of inspiration and hope for many. What is it about this guiding light that’s endlessly alluring?
-Brendan Cunha

Christmas season of 2012, my whole world was falling apart and I was desperately trying to put it back together.  My then husband had told me he didn’t love me anymore, we were in couple’s therapy, and I was terrified.

I felt I was losing everything I knew, and was holding on for dear life. I didn’t want things to end.

We were supposed to travel to my family up north to spend Christmas all together, but with the extreme turmoil, we stayed in New York City.

Buying gifts has always been a deep joy of mine.  I love to find meaningful gifts and watch their eyes light up as they receive.

After hearing the words,
I don’t love you anymore
I don’t think I want to be married anymore,

it was an out of body experience to buy Christmas gifts for my then husband.  But I was determined.  I wanted to open his heart, show him what was possible and that we could get through this.

I was shopping at a Christmas market at Grand Central Station and came across the artists Kristiana Parn.  I saw this print of two foxes, one in a boat, and the other holding a kite that connected to the North Star.  The caption?
Bring you the North Star

I cried as soon as I saw it and bought it, hope in my heart.

On Christmas day, I felt scared and unsure, but handed him the gift.  When he opened it, he went very quiet, and asked,
Which one am I?

I said,
You are in the boat.  I’m on the shore, guiding you home, bringing you the North Star.

He started to cry and hope filled my being.  I felt I had gotten through to him. Maybe we could save our marriage.

Or maybe not.  Down came the Christmas lights, the print was packed away with all of his things, and we both left our home.  

And my heart broke into a million pieces.

I went into therapy, found Zen, and took a year and a half to heal.  I had a vision deep in my heart of a family, of a man who wanted to have children, and would create a beautiful home with me.

At the age of 38, I went on the first date of my life with a guy named Rob.

He was so lovely, and I felt so encouraged! Could it be this easy? 

The first time we were intimate, we were lying in bed and I looked down at this ankle and saw a star tattoo. I asked,
What is that?

He said,
Oh!  That’s my North Star!

My whole heart filled with hope.  This HAD to be a sign!  After all I had been through, here was my guiding light.

Then, a month into our dating, Rob completely ghosted me, and it was after having a conversation of feeling he was emotionally distant.

I was heartbroken, and so confused.  What did the star mean?
If he wasn’t the one, then why did this happen?

Have you ever felt like that?
Confused by challenges in your journey to your desires? 
Have you felt you must be on the wrong path because it’s not working out the way you thought?

Two years went by after Rob.  I dated many men, and had a rising anxiety.  Could the vision of a loving home come true?

Was I on the right path?
Was it working?

Then, in the spring of 2017, underneath cherry blossoms at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens, I went on a first date that changed my life.  Opening an umbrella to shield me from the light rain, this miraculous man looked into my eyes and I felt my whole body relax.

We were married the next year, and I moved down to NJ into his home.

We named our home Starship from the group Jefferson Starship and their song “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now”, but the home made me sick.  There was mold in the home, and even after remediating it, I continued to have migraines and fatigue, launching me into a strict detox protocol and a very challenging healing journey.

And I felt such devastation.  Here I was with the man of my dreams, but in a home that had made me ill.

So, from my heart, I shared my desire, my deepest vision with my husband. And he listened, and after a year we put our house on the market and it sold in 6 days.

In the midst of the pandemic, we actually kept our closing date and moved into our dream home the end of April. My heart opened again, my body relaxed, and my health started to improve.

Lying in bed, I turned to my husband and said,
We need to name this home!  What should we call it?

And he turned his blue eyes to me and said,
North Star. 

Oh my……

I had never shared the story with him.
I had completely forgotten about the fox art.
I had forgotten about the tattoo.
And yet, here is was…the confirmation.

And suddenly it all made so much sense.  I had given my ex his North Star.  His direction was to leave, and my direction was to stay on the shore.  We were both being guided.  Rob was part of that journey, giving me the opportunity to voice concern and share what I truly desired in a relationship.

I could see how both of these men were part of something far larger.

And there were SO many places along the path, I thought it will never happen.  But, there was a deeper part that kept the dream alive; that stayed connected to the vision, no matter my circumstances.

All guiding me.

What if it was working all along?

It can be so easy to get discouraged when things are challenging.  And as a collective, we are truly getting an enormous dose of adversity, loss and heartache right now.

But, what if this time has wisdom for you?

What was that vision you had with the ball drop?
What was on your heart?

What has BEEN on your heart?

When you connect in, and ask,
What do I want…
what arises?

One of the largest lessons I have learned since that Christmas is that miracles occur, but not on my timeline. When I am clear on what I want, it appears, but not in the way I think.

Reggie Ray of Dharma Ocean puts it this way,
You get in the boat, set your course due east, and know you have no control over the water.
Some days it may be stormy and other days the water will be still as glass.
Yet, you continue.

You continue, because each day is a new day, one you have never lived before.
And when you place your attention on your vision, and release HOW it comes, you can then just take one step at a time.

Your life can be a beautiful practice.

A beautiful practice that is guided by what is important to you.
Your North Star.

Do you see it?
It’s shining there for you.

Hook your kite, and take the next step.

©2019 NikolRogers | Design by Rachel Pesso | Caitlin Cannon Photography