Do you feel like your Confidence has left the building?
Are you looking all around for it and wondering where the heck it went?
And most of all, I imagine you are wondering how to get it BACK.
Because, it’s been almost a YEAR….I don’t know about you, but when the lock downs began, I never expected to be writing this to you 11 months later.
And yet, here the year stands before you, and I can only imagine you have dreams, your heart is beating with a vision.
And you probably felt if you JUST HAD YOUR CONFIDENCE back, you could breathe again!
Some reassurance would be nice, right?
Could you just find your Confidence again instead of feeling like it’s never going to return?
Because this year matters and things have to turn around.
Like NOW, because March is around the corner.
So, how do you get your Confidence back?
I love animals.
My whole life I wanted to cuddle with cats, play with dogs, and commune in every way possible. Reading this, you would probably think I would have grown up with a million pets, but my father is actually allergic to all fur-bearing animals, so that coupled with moving around so much as a military family pretty much put the nix on fur family.
So, I lived vicariously through my friends and other family that did have animals, and made the vow that later in life I would have pets, but not while my father was living, because I wanted him to be able to visit free of any issues.
I picked up binoculars and fell in love with birds. When I moved into my dream home last April, I found myself staring into a glorious backyard, more of a sanctuary than anything. While the yard was not huge, it was filled with life.
We had birds, squirrels, snakes, possums, skunks, deer, chipmunks, mice, a groundhog, and voles. I was in heaven to watch and witness all the life.
Especially as I was spending so much more time at home.
I was missing my family and friends as we all had to go indoors and connection became virtual, which was very challenging with my EMF sensitivity.
A loneliness was growing for human contact, so the backyard wildlife became my connection with life. I rejoiced in the antics of the squirrels trying to climb the bird feeder, and named our groundhog Chester, delighting in his seasonal gorge fest to prepare for the long winter.
And then one day, I saw it.
A black cat.
Absolutely stunning…thick black fur and bright golden eyes. There was no collar, and no clipping on their ears, so I assumed it was a wild cat. I wondered if it was just passing through, and then saw it again. And again. Weeks turned to a month, and as the temperatures started to drop, I worried,
Would the cat be ok?
Even more so, I wondered,
Could I have a relationship with the cat?
Could we come to trust one another?
Could this become the cat’s home?
A few times I made myself known, the cat zipped to the back of the yard so fast, it was dizzying. I called up my mom who had befriended three wild cats when we lived in Kansas and she offered the sound advice,
“this will take time.”
I found myself looking out the window every day, thinking about the cat. And then the snow came.
It covered our backyard in a beautiful white blanket, and a knot formed in my stomach from concern. Would the cat survive?
Then we had two weeks of snow. There was no reprieve and the temperatures plummeted. Ice fell from the skies, and the backyard went quiet.
I didn’t see the cat.
Was it gone?
Last week, at the end of a very intense day, I just had to get outside and breathe fresh air. The sun had set, and a early evening darkness filled our yard. I couldn’t stay in the house any longer, and laced up my snow boots.
I stood outside just feeling the cold air go in and out of my lungs, and then I thought of the cat. So, I began to walk to the back of our yard, crunching through over a foot of snow to behind the shed where I always had seen the cat go. I came upon our shed, imagining this was where the cat had been living all along, but walking to the hole I knew existed, my heart dropped when I saw the snow had completely covered up the hole entrance.
Could the cat survive if it was trapped?
And then I turned around to face our log piles. They had all been made by the prior owner and were haphazardly covered with tarps. And I saw it…
Fresh cat tracks.
Leading from the log pile to the gate at the back of our yard.
I called out in a easy voice to talk to the cat, and even bent down to see if I would see those brilliant eyes looking back at me, but all I encountered was darkness.
But the cat was alive.
The cat was still here.
It hadn’t left.
And as the temperatures rose and the snow melted, I saw the familiar shape amble across the back of our yard.
It never left.
And my mother’s voice came back again,
“If this is truly a wild cat, they are very hardy. It will survive the cold.”
One of the easiest things we can start to believe is that our Confidence is gone for good. And it can be really unsettling, especially if you felt like you were in a flow, or things were going really good for awhile.
Stark change can be very disorienting, and scary.
Much like what we have all been experiencing. Our lives have been turned upside down in so many ways. Almost like a strong winter freeze to the life we knew before. I imagine you have stared out your window and wondered, will my confidence survive?
You care, because your confidence probably feels amazing. It probably feels like a strong ground that is there FOR you. And I imagine your confidence is tied to what matters most TO you.
It’s like a powerful companion, one that reminds you of your inner strength, cheering on your steps and reminding you that you CAN move forward.
But what if it never left?
What if your Confidence has been there all along, just not where you normally see it?
What if your Confidence just needs to be nourished and fed?
In winter months with low temperatures, perhaps what your Confidence needs changes. And what if the searching is more about discovering what will help you to access your Confidence in adversity and freezing temperatures?
It has to begin with a trust and faith that your Confidence is present always.
Under the log pile, in a neighbor’s yard, stepping into deep snow banks. It doesn’t leave you, but it will need care.
The cat really ignited my deep longing for connection. And after all I’ve been through these last two years, I became terrified I would lose it for good. I doubted whether the cat would return, much like I have doubted my health returning. I doubted whether I could befriend the cat, much like I have doubted befriending my fears.
But when I saw the cat walk across the backyard, I realized it was there all along.
I just got scared.
I needed a reminder.
Which is why I’m writing you today.
Because fear is normal. In fact, it is a feeling and feelings are information. They are information towards what we NEED to move forward.
Place your hand on your heart. Feel your breath.
All you need is within. Your confidence is there. We are just going to feed it what is necessary so you can get back on track and bring your dreams to life this year.
You can survive the cold.
I can’t wait to show you how.